Guy's Claim of Making "A Long Story Short" Starting to Become Obviously False

"It was the big game back on November 6, 1987," was how this story started as told by Burt Scrumptious, former high school quarterback, current Shoe-fitting Specialist at Payless Shoes.  "Fourth quarter.  30 seconds left.  Score tied 7-7.  It was up to me to win it. Anyway, to make a long story short.."

And that's when the listeners breathed a sigh of relief, as they have heard this story at least twice a year for the past 23 years.  Unfortunately, the story was not as short as promised.  After he took 20 minutes to explain how it was warm but not too hot, and how the wind was coming from the northwest, which is optimal ball-throwing conditions, as well as other atmospheric facts relevant to the game, it was becoming painfully obvious that they were not going anywhere fast.

"Now I could have passed it to Lefty and had him run it down the field, but he had been having some issues with his ankles and I didn't want to chance it..."

What finally made Burt's brother and 34-time story-listener get up and walk out was, after 35 minutes, Burt began his sentence with, "OK so now there were just 25 seconds left.."

Other party guests reported that Burt's brother said, "Oh my fucking God!!" and stormed out leaving his shoes and jacket behind.

Most sat and endured the story, while many other dosed off 52 minutes in when Burt  mentioned how the play he decided on to win the game would have not worked on grass, but works perfectly on astro-turf which luckily they were playing on.

Lindsay Still Adjusting to Life on the Outside

It's a common occurrence for people who do time.  A man gets sentenced to 30 years in prison in 1975, and then when he gets released in 2005 he is in a whole different world and has to adjust to all the advances and changes he had been blind to over the last 3 decades.  Lindsay Lohan is no stranger to this syndrome, after being ripped from society for 14 days in the slammer.

It was July of 2010.  A younger, more innocent Lohan had been sentenced for.. wow, so hard to remember back that far.  Something with drugs I think.  She was sentenced to 90 days, but she was released after 14 days.  The police term for this is, "Time Off for Being Famous."

It is now August 2010, and she must get used to the world that has changed since she was last united with it many days ago.  

Lindsay's first dose of reality came less than hour after her release when she stopped at a local Starbucks on the way home.  She asked the barista to make her "the usual," to which she got nothing but a blank, confused look.  It turns out Fredrico, her usual barista quit last week due to "feeling like it."  The thought of having to re-explain how she takes her latte (one third whole milk, one third 1%, one third half and half (or sixth and sixth), 1 splenda, shaken not stirred) to a new guy made her faint.  She then re-fainted at the ER when the new triage nurse had to ask her for her name.

Obama: 'Unalienable Rights Expire in 2011'

At a press conference early this morning, President Obama announced that the three unalienable rights promised to us in the Declaration of Independence, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, will expire on January 1, 2011.  This is the first time in this country's 234 year history that Congress did not unanimously vote to renew them.

"These are tough times and sacrifices need to be made," said the president, with Mrs. Obama forcing a fat kid to do 300 push-ups behind him.  "By making life no longer a given right of the people, we will save this country  the millions of dollars in court and prison costs required for putting murderers behind bars.  I know we used to walk around feeling safe that we wouldn't just be stabbed in the supermarket, but we have to do our part to save this economy."

The president also added that ambulances will no longer be dispatched to pick up the body of anyone murdered after New Years.  It will be up to the next of kin to rent a truck and haul their loved one off to the morgue themselves.

Obama then ended his speech, "Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness;  all these things cost money, and it's a luxury we can no longer afford to keep.  In these tough economic times, some of the things we have taken for granted in the past need to be given up for the good of the country.  Mrs. Obama and I have made many sacrifices ourselves.  Just last week at the end of my shiatsu massage, I decided to save my $50 and forego my usual happy ending "

He also stated that the right to party that the Beastie Boys fought for and won for us in the 1980s will expire in 2012, which is when a new partying tax will be instated.

Random Thoughts

I think it would be really crappy luck if a guy born with an extra finger had it surgically removed, only to lose a finger in a sawing accident the next day.

Jehovah's Witnesses would be let into a lot more homes and convert a lot more people if they carried guns.

Maybe that guy yelling to himself in the street, "But why can't I have a pickle? I want a fuckin' pickle," is the only sane one and the rest of us are crazy.

If the speed limit is 55 miles per hour, and you're only going to be driving for 30 minutes, shouldn't you be allowed to go 110?

Why do so many people enter public restrooms with pens?

Every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal.  (I actually stole this one from Demetri Martin)

Jesus probably gets screwed out of a bunch of presents because his birthday falls on Christmas.

You know how many infomercials say that you can get their product for 3 "easy" payments?  What is a difficult payment?  Perhaps for a  difficult payment you would have to drive 100 miles to their office, and then the office where you pay is at the top of a lone escalator going down.

If these children are so slow, how do they understand that they're only supposed to play near those yellow signs?

One day I was driving and I saw a sign that read, "Go as fast as you want.  Just old farts here."

Locking all your car doors except one is a great way to keep away those criminals who just don't have any follow through.

If writer/comedian Lauire Kilmartin married Charlie Sheen, her name would be Laurie Kilmartin Sheen.

You know what I realized?  Everything starts with  e, but nothing ends with  g.

10-Year-Old Girl Disappointed to Find Out Person from Chat Room Really is Another 10-year-old girl.

Sarah Samuels, 10-year-old girl from Lansing, Michigan, was disappointed when, after meeting another girl her age she had been chatting with online, she discovered the person actually was a girl her age.

"All the other girls that my friends were chatting with turned out to be older men in their 40s," said a very disappointed Sarah. "And they had a great time. They got candy, a ride in a van, and some of them even took pictures of my friends to submit to their friend in the modeling business. Seems just about every 40-year-old single man knows someone in the modeling business, so I thought this could be my shot."

She went on to say that one of her friends had such a good time with her new friend she never came home, probably because they got "married or something."

Sarah's not giving up though. She is hitting the chat rooms again in hopes her dreams will come true and she too will be touched in her "naughty place."

Use of Charts to Prove Statistics Up 54%

After looking through statistics on how statistics have been displayed to prove a point, the use of charts is on  the rise.  The chart below illustrates how charts have become more popular over the past few years:

Despite this overall increase in chart usage, certain types of charts, such as line graphs are on the decline.  This is summarized on the graph below:

 And finally, we have a pie chart breaking down the different things compared in pie charts:

Asians Offended By Mel Gibson for Being Excluded

"African Americans, Latinos, homosexuals; why not us?"

That's what members of the Asian American Action Coalition would like to ask of the actor/writer/director/Nazi after his many racial tirades, none of which slander the Asians.

"What's the matter, Gibson!" exclaimed one member at a rally to stop neglecting to be racist toward Asian Americans.   "We're not good enough for you to hate? What the hell have we ever not done to you?"

This is their biggest anti-non-racism rally since the one they held to tell the KKK that "Hey, we're flammable too!"