A Christmas Poem for You and Yours, and Possibly Hers

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the mall
Not a douche bag was shopping, not even Sean Paul.
The salesmen were counting their commissions with care
In hopes that they’d have enough for a hooker named Claire.

The manager Phil was at home in his bed,
Because he’s a dick and didn’t schedule himself to work that night .
His wife is named Brenda and boy she’s a JAP,
(Not the kind from Japan, rather she shops at the Gap).

But back to the part of this poem that matters
The salesmen and their hunger for whores who don’t chatter
Greg said “Woo hoo!” for he had enough cash
For a night involving Claire (and hopefully the next day no rash).

He went to the street corner of 1^st Street and Poe
Because that’s where he knew  that he’d find that ho!
Claire walked up to his car and said, “Well, hey my dear.
I really wasn’t sure if I’d see you this year.”

They stopped and checked in at the Motel 6
Of course under a fake name, I think it was Steve
They did it till morning and man were they sore,
She taught him positions from her Vietnamese tour!

Now something you should know; ol’ Greg is married.
His wife thought he was in some city whose name rhymes with ‘married’.
Before going home he knew he was smelly,
And so in the shower he cleaned off the perfume and KY jelly.

And when he got home Mrs. Greg, she was smiling
“How was your trip?” she asked whilst her nails she was filing.
“Mom and dad are great! Thanks for asking,”
He said, and in the glow of relief he was basking.

“Oh by the way, I just got off the phone with Lisa.
You see, she is a very concerned lady who works for Visa.
I can’t believe that I married such a dumb retard
Who pays for his damn hookers with a damn credit card!”

And with that she kicked him right in the balls
In fact they still hurt the next day at the mall.
And now Greg lives in some piece of crap
By the way did I mention Claire gave him the clap?!

Merry Christmas!!

Rabbi Levin Hears Rumor that Paladino has a Gay Son; Nearly Chokes on Boyfriend's Penis

Earlier this week, New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino made comments about gay marriage being a bad influence on children because it may encourage them to "choose" homosexuality.  The following day, he made an apology stating he did not have anything against gay rights, and that he has a son nephew who is gay.  This apology upset Rabbi Yehuda Levin to the point of almost choking on salami.

This morning Paladino announced he has a gay son.  Rabbi Levin, seen in the picture below desperately trying to resist the urge to suck off a microphone, found this news out later that day whilst having a nooner with his "friend" Gay Shlomo.  He got the nickname by being the happiest homosexual in the Orthodox Jew community.

"I couldn't believe how even more startling this news is than the previous news. We always have the TV playing in the background when we're discussing the Torah, as well as when we're screwing.  And let me tell ya, the Torah had nothing to do with the festivities that afternoon."  It was at that point the rabbi winked.


"I was in such a hurry to make another statement to the press about how horrible this is that I forgot to comb  the sperm chunk out of my beard, and by the time I remembered they were already dried up. Ewww Gah-ross!"

This was all cleared up later in the day when the rabbi finally learned what gay means.

"Oh that's what gay means?" said the rabbi.  "That's totally fine with me.  I thought it meant Muslim."

Lindsay Lohan Might Have to Serve another 1/8 of a Jail Sentence After Testing Positive for Drugs

Part time actress, full time hot mess Linsday Lohan tested positive for drugs earlier this week while on probation.     The LA District Attorney is determined to get her put behind bars for at least 1/3 of the time the judge says she will be in jail.

"We really, really mean it this time when we say we're going to make her stick out a little more of  her sentence," The DA said.  "She obviously didn't learn her lesson the first time.  Maybe if we only let her out 2 months early instead of 2 and a half months this time she'll take this seriously."

It is also rumored that the judge will shake his head in disapproval even more and order her to think about what she's done.. I mean really sit there and think.

Guy's Claim of Making "A Long Story Short" Starting to Become Obviously False

"It was the big game back on November 6, 1987," was how this story started as told by Burt Scrumptious, former high school quarterback, current Shoe-fitting Specialist at Payless Shoes.  "Fourth quarter.  30 seconds left.  Score tied 7-7.  It was up to me to win it. Anyway, to make a long story short.."

And that's when the listeners breathed a sigh of relief, as they have heard this story at least twice a year for the past 23 years.  Unfortunately, the story was not as short as promised.  After he took 20 minutes to explain how it was warm but not too hot, and how the wind was coming from the northwest, which is optimal ball-throwing conditions, as well as other atmospheric facts relevant to the game, it was becoming painfully obvious that they were not going anywhere fast.

"Now I could have passed it to Lefty and had him run it down the field, but he had been having some issues with his ankles and I didn't want to chance it..."

What finally made Burt's brother and 34-time story-listener get up and walk out was, after 35 minutes, Burt began his sentence with, "OK so now there were just 25 seconds left.."

Other party guests reported that Burt's brother said, "Oh my fucking God!!" and stormed out leaving his shoes and jacket behind.

Most sat and endured the story, while many other dosed off 52 minutes in when Burt  mentioned how the play he decided on to win the game would have not worked on grass, but works perfectly on astro-turf which luckily they were playing on.

Lindsay Still Adjusting to Life on the Outside

It's a common occurrence for people who do time.  A man gets sentenced to 30 years in prison in 1975, and then when he gets released in 2005 he is in a whole different world and has to adjust to all the advances and changes he had been blind to over the last 3 decades.  Lindsay Lohan is no stranger to this syndrome, after being ripped from society for 14 days in the slammer.

It was July of 2010.  A younger, more innocent Lohan had been sentenced for.. wow, so hard to remember back that far.  Something with drugs I think.  She was sentenced to 90 days, but she was released after 14 days.  The police term for this is, "Time Off for Being Famous."

It is now August 2010, and she must get used to the world that has changed since she was last united with it many days ago.  

Lindsay's first dose of reality came less than hour after her release when she stopped at a local Starbucks on the way home.  She asked the barista to make her "the usual," to which she got nothing but a blank, confused look.  It turns out Fredrico, her usual barista quit last week due to "feeling like it."  The thought of having to re-explain how she takes her latte (one third whole milk, one third 1%, one third half and half (or sixth and sixth), 1 splenda, shaken not stirred) to a new guy made her faint.  She then re-fainted at the ER when the new triage nurse had to ask her for her name.

Obama: 'Unalienable Rights Expire in 2011'

At a press conference early this morning, President Obama announced that the three unalienable rights promised to us in the Declaration of Independence, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, will expire on January 1, 2011.  This is the first time in this country's 234 year history that Congress did not unanimously vote to renew them.

"These are tough times and sacrifices need to be made," said the president, with Mrs. Obama forcing a fat kid to do 300 push-ups behind him.  "By making life no longer a given right of the people, we will save this country  the millions of dollars in court and prison costs required for putting murderers behind bars.  I know we used to walk around feeling safe that we wouldn't just be stabbed in the supermarket, but we have to do our part to save this economy."

The president also added that ambulances will no longer be dispatched to pick up the body of anyone murdered after New Years.  It will be up to the next of kin to rent a truck and haul their loved one off to the morgue themselves.

Obama then ended his speech, "Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness;  all these things cost money, and it's a luxury we can no longer afford to keep.  In these tough economic times, some of the things we have taken for granted in the past need to be given up for the good of the country.  Mrs. Obama and I have made many sacrifices ourselves.  Just last week at the end of my shiatsu massage, I decided to save my $50 and forego my usual happy ending "

He also stated that the right to party that the Beastie Boys fought for and won for us in the 1980s will expire in 2012, which is when a new partying tax will be instated.

Random Thoughts

I think it would be really crappy luck if a guy born with an extra finger had it surgically removed, only to lose a finger in a sawing accident the next day.

Jehovah's Witnesses would be let into a lot more homes and convert a lot more people if they carried guns.

Maybe that guy yelling to himself in the street, "But why can't I have a pickle? I want a fuckin' pickle," is the only sane one and the rest of us are crazy.

If the speed limit is 55 miles per hour, and you're only going to be driving for 30 minutes, shouldn't you be allowed to go 110?

Why do so many people enter public restrooms with pens?

Every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal.  (I actually stole this one from Demetri Martin)

Jesus probably gets screwed out of a bunch of presents because his birthday falls on Christmas.

You know how many infomercials say that you can get their product for 3 "easy" payments?  What is a difficult payment?  Perhaps for a  difficult payment you would have to drive 100 miles to their office, and then the office where you pay is at the top of a lone escalator going down.

If these children are so slow, how do they understand that they're only supposed to play near those yellow signs?

One day I was driving and I saw a sign that read, "Go as fast as you want.  Just old farts here."

Locking all your car doors except one is a great way to keep away those criminals who just don't have any follow through.

If writer/comedian Lauire Kilmartin married Charlie Sheen, her name would be Laurie Kilmartin Sheen.

You know what I realized?  Everything starts with  e, but nothing ends with  g.

10-Year-Old Girl Disappointed to Find Out Person from Chat Room Really is Another 10-year-old girl.

Sarah Samuels, 10-year-old girl from Lansing, Michigan, was disappointed when, after meeting another girl her age she had been chatting with online, she discovered the person actually was a girl her age.

"All the other girls that my friends were chatting with turned out to be older men in their 40s," said a very disappointed Sarah. "And they had a great time. They got candy, a ride in a van, and some of them even took pictures of my friends to submit to their friend in the modeling business. Seems just about every 40-year-old single man knows someone in the modeling business, so I thought this could be my shot."

She went on to say that one of her friends had such a good time with her new friend she never came home, probably because they got "married or something."

Sarah's not giving up though. She is hitting the chat rooms again in hopes her dreams will come true and she too will be touched in her "naughty place."

Use of Charts to Prove Statistics Up 54%

After looking through statistics on how statistics have been displayed to prove a point, the use of charts is on  the rise.  The chart below illustrates how charts have become more popular over the past few years:

Despite this overall increase in chart usage, certain types of charts, such as line graphs are on the decline.  This is summarized on the graph below:

 And finally, we have a pie chart breaking down the different things compared in pie charts:

Asians Offended By Mel Gibson for Being Excluded

"African Americans, Latinos, homosexuals; why not us?"

That's what members of the Asian American Action Coalition would like to ask of the actor/writer/director/Nazi after his many racial tirades, none of which slander the Asians.

"What's the matter, Gibson!" exclaimed one member at a rally to stop neglecting to be racist toward Asian Americans.   "We're not good enough for you to hate? What the hell have we ever not done to you?"

This is their biggest anti-non-racism rally since the one they held to tell the KKK that "Hey, we're flammable too!"

Too Soon?

This is one of those rare posts where I put the stupid crap aside and actually talk about something.  But this is a controversial topic that has to do with a humor publication, so it still fits the genre.

As I'm sure you've all heard, NY Yankees owner George Steinbrenner died this morning at age 80 of a heart attack.  Death is a somewhat serious matter and of course your heart has to go out to his friends and loved ones.  However, some may say the best thing to do in a time of woe is use even more humor than usual. Is there a tasteful way to joke about a person who just died less than a few hours ago?

National satirical news paper The Onion, from which much of my writing inspiration comes, took no time to have their say about the baseball mogul's death.

They posted a picture of Steinbrenner with the title of the Picture, "George Steinbrenner Dead After Firing Underperforming Heart."  I have to admit as soon as I read it, my gut reaction was to laugh.  Was that insensitive of me?

From what I've seen on Facebook, the internet AA meeting site, this article has caused many split opinions on the tastefulness of this article making light of the still-warm corpse.  So far the article has generated 114 FB comments, each one contradicting the last.

Among the negative comments made were, "Major poor taste," "Well that didn't take too long.. too soon," and "Hey, let's make jokes about your dead dad after he passes."

And of course there were many loyal fans of The Onion who came to its rescue with such remarks as, "This made me lol out loud [hmm.. redundant?]", "Too soon? How about not soon enough?", and probably my favorite and my pick for sarcastic comment of the month, "Shame on you, Onion bastards, for not respecting the global death etiquette ruling that states you must wait at least 72 hours (and 13 minutes) post-mortem before firing off the gags!"

Now it's quite possible if you're reading this post, you are thinking the aforementioned article is the most disgraceful thing in the world, and I respect your opinion.  The question that comes to my mind, though, is this: If you are able to see The Onion's postings on your FB front page, that means you are a fan of theirs.  I feel that this is nothing unexpected for this publication, whose mission is to make light of everything and anything.  I would think all fans would know that.  So if you are one of those people who are offended, I hope at least you don't claim to be a fan of the self-insistent 300-year-old news source.

FIN

After 40 years, Woodsy Says 'Do Whatever You Want! I Don't Care Anymore!'

After four decades of telling people to "Give a hoot - don't pollute," Woodsy has finally given up on us.

"Forty years!  Forty frickin' years I've asked and asked you to give a gosh darn hoot!" Woodsy shouted in the middle of Yosemite National Park after an apparent mental breakdown.  "And what do you do?  You do the exact crappin' opposite!  I don't know why I bother.  You're just going to do what you want anyway.  I've tried everything I can, but I don't know how to get through to you!"  This was followed by 45 minutes of crying in the fetal position.

Of course we all remember his original ads where he cheerfully tells us not to give a hoot, but you may need some memory-jogging to remember some other techniques to try to get people to be compliant with his request.  There was the fear tactic in which he warned that if you pollute, your hair might turn green.  And who can forget his reverse psychology ploy in the early 90s when he changed his slogan to, "You know what?  You couldn't stop polluting if you wanted to, so I'm not going to bother."

Perhaps the most radical plan of all was when he decided it was time for some good old fashioned discipline.  This was when he spoke at an environmental fundraiser and said, "Well people, since you won't listen to me, I have no choice but to ground you for a month.  That means you only leave your house to go to work and come home.  And no TV."  Much to the owl's shagrin, the people whined about how unfair it was and that he isn't even their real dad before storming out in a huff to sleep over at a friend's house.

Experts suggest that Woodsy go to counseling with the people so they can express their feelings and bring back the relationship they used to have when they thought Woodsy was an infallible hero.  They also suggest he gets off the sauce.

Camera Shot of Black Guy Laughing Helps White TV Viewers Know it's OK to Laugh at Black Joke

Millions of uncomfortable white TV viewers were relieved when, after laughing at a stand-up's joke which made fun of several black stereotypes, the camera cut to a black audience member laughing.

"Many people wonder why TV shows use audience shots and laugh tracks," said a TV producer who asked for his name not to be revealed because he is hiding from the Chinese Mafia.  "But how else are people supposed to know that what they hear is funny?  They can't figure stuff like that on our own."

Sally T., a long-time TV watcher, short-time pole dancer agrees with the producer: "One time I was watching a TV comedy and there were no one telling me when to laugh.  I was about to laugh at one joke but I realized I can't think for myself."  She then walked down the street asking strangers if they could tie her shoes for her and and wipe the boogies off her nose.

"This has always been the way for people to know when something is funny," remarked the producer.  "It's just like a few years ago when they cut to a shot of Lindsay Lohan laughing at the Emmys after Conan O'Brien told a joke about red-headed drug addict alcoholic whores."

Orianthi's New Boyfriend Starting to See Old Boyfriend's Point

The new boyfriend of Orianthi, singer of the hit song, "According to You," is starting to see where the old boyfriend is coming from with his harsh words about her.  While he felt she was beautiful, incredible, can't get her out of his head at first, he realizes that it was just what is known as the "honeymoon period."

"You know when she first told me about how her ex referred to her as stupid, useless, can't do anything right, I just thought he was an asshole," remarked the new guy.  "Now I totally get it.  She gives me blank stares when I talk about how we need to balance our checkbook.  And common sense, she has none.  Back in February we went out and it was like 20 degrees out.  But does stupid bitchface take a heavy coat with her? NOOO, because it didn't match her gay shoes!  So now I gotta give up my coat and freeze to death because of this crack whore?  He was right, she really is a mess in a dress!"

Lately he has had very serious thoughts about dumping her because she is really starting to be both boring and moody, resulting in his inability to take her any place.

Random Drawings of Mine

I was feeling very pictorial today, so I made a bunch of random drawings.  Enjoy.

Sorry about the formatting.  I just wanted to make the pics large enough to be legible.

Douche Shows Up at Party Without Responding to E-vite

Tom Smith, a real douche hole according to party guests, came to Sue's party on Saturday night without having the decency to click the Yes button on the E-vite he had been sent 2 weeks prior to the party.

"Not even a fucking maybe," said Sue while counting beer bottles to make sure there was still enough to go around with the unexpected arrival of that dickface known as Tom.  "Most of my other friends clicked a choice, and even the few who didn't respond were't dick enough to show up."

Pedro, a mutual friend of Sue and that fuckface, recalls other times when the ass clown didn't exercise proper nettiquette.  "Last week I emailed a few buddies, Tom included, to meet up for a drink after work.  Never heard back from him, but then like an assface he shows up at the bar, and like 20 minutes late! He tried to tell me his internet was, down, but then how the hell did he read the email!"

Tom spent the rest of the evening engulfing pizza rolls while guests gave him dirty glares.  This is Tom's biggest faux pas since he failed to change his status on his Facebook profile from single to married, resulting in his wife filing for divorce after 11 years of marriage.

TV Fall Lineup

Hey everyone!  Here's a sneak peek at some of the wonderful shows that will be coming your way this fall!

That's My Eskimo! - One day the Patterson family comes home to find an Eskimo building an igloo in their backyard.  Will they make him leave or will he be a new member of the family?  Well you can guess which one is gonna happen, but watch anyway!

My Son, The Brillo Pad - A man's son dies in a horrible circus accident.  But one day the father buys a box of Brillo pads, and discovers that the son has been reincarnated as one of the pads!  What kind of wacky things will  happen when Consuela the maid uses him to clean the dirty pots and pans?  Tune in to find out.

So You Think You Can Open This Jar of Pickles? - Contestants will try everything from hot water to banging with a knife to be the one who can prove they're able to open that jar of pickles!


Lindsay Lohan's House of Vomit - Tune in as we take a camera crew into Lindsay's house to see all the vomit resulting from her partying the night before.  Experts will be able to determine what she ate, drank, injected, and shoved up her ass.

Lonely Hot Girl Who Can't Seem to Find the Right Guy - She's a hot girl with an awesome body but due to an unbelievable amount of low self-esteem is still alone even though every guy in town has a boner for her.  Tune in for this hot, original show!

Family with Two Parents Barely Making Ends Meet but Always Seems to Get Through a Different Situation Every Week - Well, I guess this serves as both a title and a synopsis

Divorced Guy Trying to Get Back Into the Dating World While Still Trying to Maintain a Relationship with His Kids - From the producers of Lonely Hot Girl.. comes another original sitcom about a guy who just divorced and now goes on dates with women and still be a good dad.  Will he schedule a date on the same night as his daughter's big flute solo?  Well you'll just have to watch!

Mel Gibson's Court Mandated Show About Racial Tolerance - Mel Gibson "voluntarily" hosts his own show about why we should accept people of all races.  Topics include how Jews are far from being cheap, big-nosed Jesus-killers, and understanding that black people are more than just car-jacking, welfare-taking, drains on society.

Al Gore's Dance Party - Join Al Gore as he hosts a show that he says is all about big name artists and dancing but he spends half the show talking about what you can do to save the ice caps.

Jewish Joy for the Miserable Goy - Well, I don't think this one needs much explanation.

The Story of Independence Day

Celebrating the 4th of July, or Independence Day, has been a tradition for a long time.  I'm no historian, but if I had to guess how many years, I'd say at least 20 or so.  And you're probably wondering hey, how did this crazy, wacky holiday get started?  

It all started back when guys wore wigs and it wasn't considered weird or gay.  George Washington, Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and some other guys in women's clothing decided to write something called The Independence Paper.  I think that's sort of weird because by their age they should have already been independent.  

So after the Paper was written, they decided to sign it.  But the real fun happened after that.  There was an after party at Jefferson's house by the pool.  Ben Franklin invented something called the hibachi, and they grilled deer and whatever other animals they ate then.  Meanwhile, Jefferson was macking it to the woman slaves, asking if they have a little Virginian in them, followed by asking if they wanted a little Virginian in them.  Washington sat back with a 40, some weed, and his bitch.  Then they went inside and watched the first Macy's 4th of July Fireworks show on television.  

At the end of the night Washington cheered, "This was so much fun!  Let's take the day off every year on this day and have barbecues and shoot fireworks, do some drugs, bang some bitches, and kill some Brits*!"

Most of these traditions have continued until today.

THE END

*Killing Brits was declared illegal in 1978.

New Discovery: Bob Marley DID Kill the Deputy

Almost 30 years after Bob Marley's death, new evidence proves that he shot both the sheriff and the deputy.

Cops dismissed the case because his song was so convincing.  "That bastard really had us going," said one detective who was assigned the to case back when it happened.  "He lied to us through song.  I hate when that happens!"

"It started out as a joke," explained one officer.  "One of my fellow officers mentioned how funny it would be if he was lying about not killing the deputy, but our captain took it all seriously and got a letter permitting us to exhume the deputy's corpse.  We got the bullet out of him and it was the same type of bullet that killed the sheriff.  This made us skeptical about so many other songs.   Is Billy Joel really an innocent man like his song suggests?  Is Paul Simon both a rock and an island?  I don't know what to believe anymore!"


The police have now started on the case to find the man who is killing Lauryn Hill softly with his song.

 

Yankees Win Again, Thanks to Rick

Rick, dedicated Yanks fan, was responsible for yet another victory today against the Mariners.

The score was tied 2-2, then A-Rod hit a 2-run homer, which could not have happened had Rick not shouted, "Come on, A-Rod! Hit that mother-fucking ball out of the park!"

"Oh yeah, Rick comes to plenty of games," commented Rodriguez after the game. "His cliche words of encouragement have gotten us out of a lot of tight spots."

This 35-year-old fan has been going to games since his childhood in the 80s. His first words of inspiration came in 1982, at 7 years old, when he shouted, "Mr. Winfield, please hit a home run for my dad. He's dying." After weeping for a minute, Dave Winfield hit a grand slam.

"I wasn't actually dying," Rick's dad told us. "But Ricky, he was a clever boy."

Other great game-saving quotes by Rick include, "Hey catch that fucking ball!" and, "Hey, tag that piece of shit!" and of course, "Don't strike out, you fucking moron!"

Even when he can't be at the games, Rick still makes sure to scream at the TV really loud, because as we all know, TV sports watchers' rants are always heard and listened to.