A Christmas Poem for You and Yours, and Possibly Hers

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the mall
Not a douche bag was shopping, not even Sean Paul.
The salesmen were counting their commissions with care
In hopes that they’d have enough for a hooker named Claire.

The manager Phil was at home in his bed,
Because he’s a dick and didn’t schedule himself to work that night .
His wife is named Brenda and boy she’s a JAP,
(Not the kind from Japan, rather she shops at the Gap).

But back to the part of this poem that matters
The salesmen and their hunger for whores who don’t chatter
Greg said “Woo hoo!” for he had enough cash
For a night involving Claire (and hopefully the next day no rash).

He went to the street corner of 1^st Street and Poe
Because that’s where he knew  that he’d find that ho!
Claire walked up to his car and said, “Well, hey my dear.
I really wasn’t sure if I’d see you this year.”

They stopped and checked in at the Motel 6
Of course under a fake name, I think it was Steve
They did it till morning and man were they sore,
She taught him positions from her Vietnamese tour!

Now something you should know; ol’ Greg is married.
His wife thought he was in some city whose name rhymes with ‘married’.
Before going home he knew he was smelly,
And so in the shower he cleaned off the perfume and KY jelly.

And when he got home Mrs. Greg, she was smiling
“How was your trip?” she asked whilst her nails she was filing.
“Mom and dad are great! Thanks for asking,”
He said, and in the glow of relief he was basking.

“Oh by the way, I just got off the phone with Lisa.
You see, she is a very concerned lady who works for Visa.
I can’t believe that I married such a dumb retard
Who pays for his damn hookers with a damn credit card!”

And with that she kicked him right in the balls
In fact they still hurt the next day at the mall.
And now Greg lives in some piece of crap
By the way did I mention Claire gave him the clap?!

Merry Christmas!!

Rabbi Levin Hears Rumor that Paladino has a Gay Son; Nearly Chokes on Boyfriend's Penis

Earlier this week, New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino made comments about gay marriage being a bad influence on children because it may encourage them to "choose" homosexuality.  The following day, he made an apology stating he did not have anything against gay rights, and that he has a son nephew who is gay.  This apology upset Rabbi Yehuda Levin to the point of almost choking on salami.

This morning Paladino announced he has a gay son.  Rabbi Levin, seen in the picture below desperately trying to resist the urge to suck off a microphone, found this news out later that day whilst having a nooner with his "friend" Gay Shlomo.  He got the nickname by being the happiest homosexual in the Orthodox Jew community.

"I couldn't believe how even more startling this news is than the previous news. We always have the TV playing in the background when we're discussing the Torah, as well as when we're screwing.  And let me tell ya, the Torah had nothing to do with the festivities that afternoon."  It was at that point the rabbi winked.


"I was in such a hurry to make another statement to the press about how horrible this is that I forgot to comb  the sperm chunk out of my beard, and by the time I remembered they were already dried up. Ewww Gah-ross!"

This was all cleared up later in the day when the rabbi finally learned what gay means.

"Oh that's what gay means?" said the rabbi.  "That's totally fine with me.  I thought it meant Muslim."

Lindsay Lohan Might Have to Serve another 1/8 of a Jail Sentence After Testing Positive for Drugs

Part time actress, full time hot mess Linsday Lohan tested positive for drugs earlier this week while on probation.     The LA District Attorney is determined to get her put behind bars for at least 1/3 of the time the judge says she will be in jail.

"We really, really mean it this time when we say we're going to make her stick out a little more of  her sentence," The DA said.  "She obviously didn't learn her lesson the first time.  Maybe if we only let her out 2 months early instead of 2 and a half months this time she'll take this seriously."

It is also rumored that the judge will shake his head in disapproval even more and order her to think about what she's done.. I mean really sit there and think.

Guy's Claim of Making "A Long Story Short" Starting to Become Obviously False

"It was the big game back on November 6, 1987," was how this story started as told by Burt Scrumptious, former high school quarterback, current Shoe-fitting Specialist at Payless Shoes.  "Fourth quarter.  30 seconds left.  Score tied 7-7.  It was up to me to win it. Anyway, to make a long story short.."

And that's when the listeners breathed a sigh of relief, as they have heard this story at least twice a year for the past 23 years.  Unfortunately, the story was not as short as promised.  After he took 20 minutes to explain how it was warm but not too hot, and how the wind was coming from the northwest, which is optimal ball-throwing conditions, as well as other atmospheric facts relevant to the game, it was becoming painfully obvious that they were not going anywhere fast.

"Now I could have passed it to Lefty and had him run it down the field, but he had been having some issues with his ankles and I didn't want to chance it..."

What finally made Burt's brother and 34-time story-listener get up and walk out was, after 35 minutes, Burt began his sentence with, "OK so now there were just 25 seconds left.."

Other party guests reported that Burt's brother said, "Oh my fucking God!!" and stormed out leaving his shoes and jacket behind.

Most sat and endured the story, while many other dosed off 52 minutes in when Burt  mentioned how the play he decided on to win the game would have not worked on grass, but works perfectly on astro-turf which luckily they were playing on.

Lindsay Still Adjusting to Life on the Outside

It's a common occurrence for people who do time.  A man gets sentenced to 30 years in prison in 1975, and then when he gets released in 2005 he is in a whole different world and has to adjust to all the advances and changes he had been blind to over the last 3 decades.  Lindsay Lohan is no stranger to this syndrome, after being ripped from society for 14 days in the slammer.

It was July of 2010.  A younger, more innocent Lohan had been sentenced for.. wow, so hard to remember back that far.  Something with drugs I think.  She was sentenced to 90 days, but she was released after 14 days.  The police term for this is, "Time Off for Being Famous."

It is now August 2010, and she must get used to the world that has changed since she was last united with it many days ago.  

Lindsay's first dose of reality came less than hour after her release when she stopped at a local Starbucks on the way home.  She asked the barista to make her "the usual," to which she got nothing but a blank, confused look.  It turns out Fredrico, her usual barista quit last week due to "feeling like it."  The thought of having to re-explain how she takes her latte (one third whole milk, one third 1%, one third half and half (or sixth and sixth), 1 splenda, shaken not stirred) to a new guy made her faint.  She then re-fainted at the ER when the new triage nurse had to ask her for her name.

Obama: 'Unalienable Rights Expire in 2011'

At a press conference early this morning, President Obama announced that the three unalienable rights promised to us in the Declaration of Independence, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, will expire on January 1, 2011.  This is the first time in this country's 234 year history that Congress did not unanimously vote to renew them.

"These are tough times and sacrifices need to be made," said the president, with Mrs. Obama forcing a fat kid to do 300 push-ups behind him.  "By making life no longer a given right of the people, we will save this country  the millions of dollars in court and prison costs required for putting murderers behind bars.  I know we used to walk around feeling safe that we wouldn't just be stabbed in the supermarket, but we have to do our part to save this economy."

The president also added that ambulances will no longer be dispatched to pick up the body of anyone murdered after New Years.  It will be up to the next of kin to rent a truck and haul their loved one off to the morgue themselves.

Obama then ended his speech, "Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness;  all these things cost money, and it's a luxury we can no longer afford to keep.  In these tough economic times, some of the things we have taken for granted in the past need to be given up for the good of the country.  Mrs. Obama and I have made many sacrifices ourselves.  Just last week at the end of my shiatsu massage, I decided to save my $50 and forego my usual happy ending "

He also stated that the right to party that the Beastie Boys fought for and won for us in the 1980s will expire in 2012, which is when a new partying tax will be instated.

Random Thoughts

I think it would be really crappy luck if a guy born with an extra finger had it surgically removed, only to lose a finger in a sawing accident the next day.

Jehovah's Witnesses would be let into a lot more homes and convert a lot more people if they carried guns.

Maybe that guy yelling to himself in the street, "But why can't I have a pickle? I want a fuckin' pickle," is the only sane one and the rest of us are crazy.

If the speed limit is 55 miles per hour, and you're only going to be driving for 30 minutes, shouldn't you be allowed to go 110?

Why do so many people enter public restrooms with pens?

Every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal.  (I actually stole this one from Demetri Martin)

Jesus probably gets screwed out of a bunch of presents because his birthday falls on Christmas.

You know how many infomercials say that you can get their product for 3 "easy" payments?  What is a difficult payment?  Perhaps for a  difficult payment you would have to drive 100 miles to their office, and then the office where you pay is at the top of a lone escalator going down.

If these children are so slow, how do they understand that they're only supposed to play near those yellow signs?

One day I was driving and I saw a sign that read, "Go as fast as you want.  Just old farts here."

Locking all your car doors except one is a great way to keep away those criminals who just don't have any follow through.

If writer/comedian Lauire Kilmartin married Charlie Sheen, her name would be Laurie Kilmartin Sheen.

You know what I realized?  Everything starts with  e, but nothing ends with  g.