Guy's Claim of Making "A Long Story Short" Starting to Become Obviously False

"It was the big game back on November 6, 1987," was how this story started as told by Burt Scrumptious, former high school quarterback, current Shoe-fitting Specialist at Payless Shoes.  "Fourth quarter.  30 seconds left.  Score tied 7-7.  It was up to me to win it. Anyway, to make a long story short.."

And that's when the listeners breathed a sigh of relief, as they have heard this story at least twice a year for the past 23 years.  Unfortunately, the story was not as short as promised.  After he took 20 minutes to explain how it was warm but not too hot, and how the wind was coming from the northwest, which is optimal ball-throwing conditions, as well as other atmospheric facts relevant to the game, it was becoming painfully obvious that they were not going anywhere fast.

"Now I could have passed it to Lefty and had him run it down the field, but he had been having some issues with his ankles and I didn't want to chance it..."

What finally made Burt's brother and 34-time story-listener get up and walk out was, after 35 minutes, Burt began his sentence with, "OK so now there were just 25 seconds left.."

Other party guests reported that Burt's brother said, "Oh my fucking God!!" and stormed out leaving his shoes and jacket behind.

Most sat and endured the story, while many other dosed off 52 minutes in when Burt  mentioned how the play he decided on to win the game would have not worked on grass, but works perfectly on astro-turf which luckily they were playing on.

Lindsay Still Adjusting to Life on the Outside

It's a common occurrence for people who do time.  A man gets sentenced to 30 years in prison in 1975, and then when he gets released in 2005 he is in a whole different world and has to adjust to all the advances and changes he had been blind to over the last 3 decades.  Lindsay Lohan is no stranger to this syndrome, after being ripped from society for 14 days in the slammer.

It was July of 2010.  A younger, more innocent Lohan had been sentenced for.. wow, so hard to remember back that far.  Something with drugs I think.  She was sentenced to 90 days, but she was released after 14 days.  The police term for this is, "Time Off for Being Famous."

It is now August 2010, and she must get used to the world that has changed since she was last united with it many days ago.  

Lindsay's first dose of reality came less than hour after her release when she stopped at a local Starbucks on the way home.  She asked the barista to make her "the usual," to which she got nothing but a blank, confused look.  It turns out Fredrico, her usual barista quit last week due to "feeling like it."  The thought of having to re-explain how she takes her latte (one third whole milk, one third 1%, one third half and half (or sixth and sixth), 1 splenda, shaken not stirred) to a new guy made her faint.  She then re-fainted at the ER when the new triage nurse had to ask her for her name.