Elena Kagan Appointed to Warm Up Crowd Before Supreme Court Proceedings

After hearing Supreme Court Justice nominee Elena Kagan's shtick, they decided to appoint her to be the person who warms up the room to get the crowd going before the judges come in.

Said one senator, "The Supreme Court has always been so serious. It's always 'law this' and 'constitution that.' Lighten the frick up, people!"

Kagan will have a special robe that glitters with the words, "Court's in Session, Bitches!" printed on the back.

Kagan will crack such witty lines as, "So anyone here been incarcerated?" and "You've been great! Don't forget to tip your bailiff!"

The Supreme Court's name will also be changed to "Elena Kagan's Def Supreme Court Jam sponsored by Trojan Condoms."

Guy Wins Youtube Argument, Resumes Jerking Off to Porn

What started out as a friendly disagreement over a Dave Chapelle video turned into a heated argument last night as two Youtube users exchanged contradictory comments, each one more offensive than the last. The comments started out harmless:

lonelyguy312: IDK, I don't think he is that funny.

Ithouchboys69:@lonelyguy, How can you say that? Chapelle is the bomb!!

After a few lines the argument escalated, resulting in insulting each other's race, sexual preference, intelligence, and pubic hair. This went on for about 4 days till Itouchboys69 got the last word:

Itouchboys69: @lonelyguy Well at least my pubic hair doesn't have anything crawling in it, you anti-semitic, homophobic, Nazi, Jewish, gay, racist, wetback, diarrhea head!!

Itouchboys69, known in real life as Andy Dick, walked with his head held high for the rest of the week.

All Day Tribute Programming Today for the One Day Anniversary of the One Year Anniversary of Michael Jackson's Death

Today many networks will be showing specials dedicated to the One Day Anniversary of the One Year Anniversary of Jackson's death. Michael's closest family and friends will share with us how they were feeling and what they were doing while watching all the specials on the One Year Anniversary. Network executives commented that we need to honor the day that we honored him a year after his death.

Network execs also mentioned that they will continue to honor his memory for as long as it remains profitable. They also said that today will be nothing compared to next Saturday, when they will commemorate the One Week Anniversary of the One Day Anniversary of the One Year Anniversary of Michael Jackson's Death.

Fat Guy Receives Weight Loss Advice from Fatter Guy

Fat guy

Fatter guy

Greg Smith, 285 lbs., has been at the end of his rope in trying to shed some excess weight off. That's when his buddy Phil, 425 lbs. stepped in to give some friendly advice.

"What you gotta do," says Phil, "you gotta eat more often.. that's the secret. I eat 20 times a day." That may not exactly what he said. It was hard to understand him with an entire turkey leg in his mouth.

Later that day Greg got some marital advice from his half black, half Asian golfer friend.

Lindsay Lohan Off the Hook for SCRAM Bracelet Going Off

After a great deal of research, an explanation has been found for the slutty junkie 23-year-old actress's SCRAM bracelet being set off and raising her BAC to between .03 and .04. The explanation makes so much sense even the most skeptical critics are saying "Oh, well that explains it!"

You see, since becoming dry, Linsday has taken to drinking Kombucha tea. While the company that makes the tea claims it contains less than .5% alcohol, it is suspected the percentage may be higher.

So with the 25 gallons of that she drank that day plus the 30 bottles of cough syrup she took for a little scratch she had, and the swig of Listerine she accidentally swallowed before the party, that totally puts her in the clear.

Bachelor Couple Break-Up Leaves Little Hope for the Rest of Us

If you can't find your true love amongst 25 slutty desperate women, where can you find it? It was reported that Jake Pavelka, the most recent Bachelor was dumped by winner Vienna Girardi. This came as a shock to many people, mainly because they didn't even realize The Bachelor was still on the air.

Guy Waiting For Your Story to End so He Can Tell a Better One

The guy across from you at your friend's little Dinner Get-together is eagerly waiting for you to finish to tell a story that is way better than yours. Whatever happened to you in your story happened to him too, but many more times and in a much cooler way. That celebrity you ran into when you were in New York City that time? He ran into one too but the one he ran into is incredibly more famous. And that time you were mugged at knife point.. well he was mugged at gunpoint and had so much more money in his wallet. You might as well just quit now because there is now way you're gonna top that guy.

Speidi Divorce Taking its Toll on US Supreme Court

With the recent news of Heidi Montag hiring a divorce lawyer to mediate her divorce with Spencer Pratt, The Justices of the Supreme Court have been having trouble keeping their minds on business as usual.

Perhaps most bummed of all is the eldest of the judges, John Paul Stevens.

"He just hasn't been the same since news of their separation came out," remarked fellow Justice Scalia, who would often come over to his house for a beer and watch the Hills. "When they finally got married we were overjoyed. It's all we could talk about for weeks. I'm so upset I can't even think about all this legal crap we have to handle today."

Ruth Ginsburg, who claims to dress like Heidi Montag on the weekends, told interviewers she almost didn't get out of bed this morning. She managed to drag herself into work today, but she "doesn't give two shits today about whether or not crap is constitutional. Fuck it all!"

Clarence Thomas commented on how now that Montag is single again, he would totally tap that.

Chief Justice Roberts could not be reached for comment because he had locked himself in the bathroom, crying.

The Supreme Court hasn't been this torn up since they found out Simon was leaving Idol.

Americans Care About Soccer for 2 Weeks

After a year spent concentrating on real sports such as football, basketball, and baseball, Americans grow tired of excitement and take a 2-week break in June to watch something a little less taxing.

"It's such a relief not having to worry about getting all worked up while watching the game," said a local sports fanatic. "Sometimes I even get a little nap in. I feel so refreshed!"

A local man wearing a David Beckham t-shirt had this to say:

"With other sports you have to sit there while touchdown after touchdown, or run after run is scored. It gets so monotonous. With soccer you only have to endure that 2 times in a game, 3 tops. And you know how in other sports even after time is up they keep playing till one of the teams wins? Not in soccer. It's perfectly acceptable to end in a tie. They really keep our rigid schedules in mind."

After the World Cup ends, Americans will have to go back to watching sports where players actually use their hands. The next break from all this won't be until September when Americans will care about tennis for 2 weeks.

Gripe of the Week

I have to say that before this season, I had never really watched America's Got Talent. I don't know if it's because of my usual opposition to those type of shows or because I am afraid if I watch David Hasselhoff too much it'll turn me gay. But coincidentally enough, I started watching this season regularly and it happens to be the first Hoffless season.

The Hoff

He was replaced by Howie Mandel, who is awesome is his own right. I think of the 3 judges he is the best one because he is not too harsh, but also is a pretty good judge of talent - why? Because of the 3 he is the only one with actual marketable talent. Piers was only chosen because they needed a "Simon." And Sharon Osbourne - I didn't realize being the wife of a washed up rock star qualifies you as a talent scout. Anyhow I digress.

Here is my gripe. On Tuesday night's show, there was an act that I, and an enthusiastically cheering audience thought was a no-brainer to make it through. Her name is Nina Mojares and she is 10 years old. Sharon said she was a "very talented young girl," but didn't put her through because she was "very precise." Piers said he didn't think she was ready. The only thing I can say about Piers is that at least he is consistent. Howie commented she was trying too hard to be an adult act instead of being herself, but he voted her through. I'll get into why Sharon is inconsistent (besides not voting for a girl she thinks is "very talented") after this video. Take a look for yourself:

Whether or not you agree with the judges' decision, you should agree that she is better than Mary Ellen, a 74-year-old who is more of an Almond Joy than a Mounds "singing" and "playing" keyboard.

Besides a good 5 minute laugh, I don't see why this lady has any real talent that will carry over into the rest of the competition. Apparently to win Sharon over you have to be "barking mad" as opposed to very talented.

And that, my friends, is my gripe of the week, brought to you by corn. It goes out looking the same way it did when it came in.

Miley Cyrus' Transformation into a Slut Going as Planned

It was just a few years ago Miley Cyrus was a wholesome 13-year-old starring on the Disney Channel. In the past few years before the public's eyes she has really begun to grow into a beautiful young slut.

"I can't believe how my fast my baby has grown up," remarked father Billy Ray. "You spend your whole life raising a child in hopes that one day you can let go and hope that she will grow into a slutty young woman on her own. She has made me so proud!"

Her mother recalls how rocky the transition into sluthood has been. "I remember when she was 15 and I tried to talk her into buying her first low-cut, 6 inch above the knee dress. She broke into tears crying, 'I'm just not ready yet.' Then 2 weeks later she came home from the mall with an even trashier dress than the one I tried to buy for her. She tried it on, and I was like, 'Is that my teenage daughter or is it a hooker? I can't tell!' And that's when I knew our little girl was well on her way to an out-of-wedlock pregnancy by the time she's 19, 20 tops."

Miley in 2005, looking all young and unslutty

Miley in 2010, looking all adult and hot and stuff.

Miley said in an interview that she hopes to be in her second marriage by 21 and in rehab while being pregnant with her third child by 23.

"I always knew she was goal-oriented," stated a teary-eyed father. "Seeing the decisions she is making really lets me know I've done my job as a parent."

There are No Small People, Only Poor Inbred Fishing Hicks

On Wednesday a major faux pas offended the residents of the Louisiana Gulf Coast. BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg, or as his friends call him, the Ricmeister, stated that BP "cares about the small people." One area man was highly insulted.

"Why, I'm 6'2" and my wife, she's 5'10". This man is just making assumptions without so much as pulling out a tape measure!" He then proceeded to drink some moonshine and howl like a dog.

Later that day the Ricmeister issued an apology:

"I am very sorry about my remark about 'small' people. It was an error in translation. I meant to say that we care about the poor worthless scum of the earth who work for a living. Again, I apologize for the misunderstanding."

He then teased some local residents with a $100 bill tied to a string before getting into his limo and instructing the driver to blast the song, "I Wanna Be Rich" whilst they made their way to the airport.

American Intelligence: 'Bin Laden is Definitely Somewhere'

After 9 years of searching, Government Intelligence is finally close to finding the man behind Al Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden.

In a press conference this afternoon President Obama stated, "I have good news! We have heard from reliable sources that Bin Laden is hiding somewhere. Now that we have to go on I think we can kick back and relax. We are narrowing down hiding places as we speak. So far we have successfully been able to rule out the Oval Office, Mrs. Obama's and my bedroom, and our breakfast nook." After staring into the crowd of spectators for a good 5 seconds, he said, "Alright, this press conference room is another place we can check off the list." He then took out a scroll, unrolled it till there was about 7 feet of paper and put a check mark down on it.

In an effort to reassure citizens who have not been able to get a good night's sleep in 9 years, he solemnly confided, "We are putting in a great effort to find him, but it may take some time. I mean, he could be anywhere on the planet. Have you seen how big this planet is?" He then went on to talk about the economy and stated that our economic crisis will surely end someone in the 21st century. So far he has already ruled out the years 2000 through 2009 and most of 2010.

How to Know Your Boyfriend is Cheating on You

Unfortunately fidelity isn't something you can take for granted. There are guys out there who will cheat on their girlfriend/wife. Here are some telltale tips that should make you suspicious:

1. He comes home smelling of perfume.

2. Often makes excuses for coming home late such as, "I have to work late" or, "I need to bang some chick."

3. He gets emails and voicemails from various women complimenting him on his resemblance to a rabbit.

4. You look at your boyfriend's appointment book and you see "8:00 meeting with Charlotte... 9:00 sex with Charlotte, 10:00 More sex with Charlotte"

5. Your name is not Charlotte.

6. When having sex, he screams out "Oh my god, I love you uhh.. shit what day is it.. ok.. Stephanie!"

7. He says, "Honey, I'm cheating on you with several women"

8. His facebook profile says "In a relationship with.. uhh.. I know this.. hold on.."

9. You tell him you're pregnant and he shouts, "Shit! You too?"

10. You ask him for you to see each other exclusively and his response is "What? You mean like all the time?"