American Intelligence: 'Bin Laden is Definitely Somewhere'

After 9 years of searching, Government Intelligence is finally close to finding the man behind Al Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden.

In a press conference this afternoon President Obama stated, "I have good news! We have heard from reliable sources that Bin Laden is hiding somewhere. Now that we have to go on I think we can kick back and relax. We are narrowing down hiding places as we speak. So far we have successfully been able to rule out the Oval Office, Mrs. Obama's and my bedroom, and our breakfast nook." After staring into the crowd of spectators for a good 5 seconds, he said, "Alright, this press conference room is another place we can check off the list." He then took out a scroll, unrolled it till there was about 7 feet of paper and put a check mark down on it.

In an effort to reassure citizens who have not been able to get a good night's sleep in 9 years, he solemnly confided, "We are putting in a great effort to find him, but it may take some time. I mean, he could be anywhere on the planet. Have you seen how big this planet is?" He then went on to talk about the economy and stated that our economic crisis will surely end someone in the 21st century. So far he has already ruled out the years 2000 through 2009 and most of 2010.