The Story of Independence Day

Celebrating the 4th of July, or Independence Day, has been a tradition for a long time.  I'm no historian, but if I had to guess how many years, I'd say at least 20 or so.  And you're probably wondering hey, how did this crazy, wacky holiday get started?  

It all started back when guys wore wigs and it wasn't considered weird or gay.  George Washington, Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and some other guys in women's clothing decided to write something called The Independence Paper.  I think that's sort of weird because by their age they should have already been independent.  

So after the Paper was written, they decided to sign it.  But the real fun happened after that.  There was an after party at Jefferson's house by the pool.  Ben Franklin invented something called the hibachi, and they grilled deer and whatever other animals they ate then.  Meanwhile, Jefferson was macking it to the woman slaves, asking if they have a little Virginian in them, followed by asking if they wanted a little Virginian in them.  Washington sat back with a 40, some weed, and his bitch.  Then they went inside and watched the first Macy's 4th of July Fireworks show on television.  

At the end of the night Washington cheered, "This was so much fun!  Let's take the day off every year on this day and have barbecues and shoot fireworks, do some drugs, bang some bitches, and kill some Brits*!"

Most of these traditions have continued until today.

THE END

*Killing Brits was declared illegal in 1978.